The End of February

I am not pleased at all though it is the last day of February... I am the biggest fan of all month-end but not today. Okay I am upset with my wages (I should have more than the amount I got!) & I am not able to have the shop-till-you-drop kinda event anymore!!! Sick!!! The management are sucking up all the CNY payments as well as the double-pay payments. Darn!

That is the grand opening of devastation. Here comes number two; pathetic colleague a.k.a friend. Her name's self-pity. She thinks the world owes her & she thinks that she's the only,one person that are very unfortunate. Shame on her to have those thoughts! Shame on her... I have to admit that I am very sensitive towards her words and actions due to the closeness and bonds that we had. She, a foolish girl, chooses to take everyone's love & kindness for granted. It will never be enough for her.

I on the other hand chose to walk out of her (nah... I am still considering). It is very frustrating to have miserable friend whom share nothing but misery. I had given her uncountable chances to be grateful & happy yet she pushed everyone away... I am sick and loathe of her attitude! Darn! I am no Mother Teressa & I am no Gandhi. I have tolerance limits & I guessed she did not realize that, yet. She is driving me nuts with her foolish yet pathetic comments which drowns my happy moments... She is such a misery...

The last but not least occurrence that causes unhappy events was the announcement of portfolio rotations. It will be effective from 31 March onwards (and I really hope those days will not come).  Sigh¬ Nothing stays permanently, right? 

Happy Days. Come... Come...

N-geL

Vacuous & Oafish

Refinement in The Modern Era - It is unbelievably shock that many are a failure in civilisation & refinement. Most educated people, if were to compare with the less-educated ones, are a winner in being shallow of mannerism & excellence in thoughts. Seriously, I could not understand how people could be so selfish that they are able to ignore the basic human civilisation. Don't you think it is fearful that people nowadays were acting like a monster? Everyone is being selfish, that, they no longer imply that the elders, physically unfortunate people, and children should be given the priorities in any circumstances. Or in any case, women and ladies should be treated politely? Gosh, what on earth is happening?

Sicky People - I am working in a huge corporate company and i had to be honest that most people here were dumb people. They were not merely dumb but extremely idiot! The management was very talented in twisting facts. And trust me, most people who worked here were cunning and again, idiots! Emails, verbal talks, and constant continuous explanations on task are not enough for these morons. No matter how many trillion times were explained to them, they would always ended up complaining to bosses on how irresponsible my sections were. Sigh~ What on earth is happening??

Pathetic Colleagues - Having a lousy environment with a sicky management are little issue BUT working with pathetic & idiot colleagues worsen everything! Working with them was a big challenge as they constantly give me a heart attack and daily stress. I had to admit that they are a real dumb dumb!!! Damn It!!! What on earth is happening???

What on earth is happening?!?!?!
N-geL
 

Foolish Child

Dissatisfaction -  There was an act of mocking from my fellow designers (whereby some of them were my close friends) on a questionnaires given by my colleague. It is shocking to see them ridiculing executives for the dissatisfaction they felt about that particular questionnaire. I mean, what is the problem in filling up those papers? It is just a questionnaire!!! They were jesting at executives by saying plenty of ugly painful comments i.e. "We want to learn to polish bosses shoes, clean/wash their feet, & suck their toes". The upsetting part was that this statement mentioned by my close friend a.k.a designer. 

Personal - Why are they taking all these rules & regulations personally? There is no right & wrong nor there is no need of comparison. If people were to compare everything in their lives, then there will be none that would satisfied them. When will they ever teach their inner child to learn to grow up? Seriously, they are such a pain in the ass!!! It is very disappointing.

Hell~

N-geL

Absolved From Depression

Unconscious - It has been a week since I last smiled. I had all these weird emotional encounters during work day as well as during my rest time at night. I prescribed myself as tired & overloaded with work but never did I realized that I am falling into depression. 

Depression - I do not know when this attack came but I know I am not feeling feeling well mentally and physically. During work day, I would lose control of my anger, emotions & at night I would cry myself to sleep. Throughout the entire week, my breathing was not synchronized. I had all these difficulties in concentrating, breathing, eating, and even sleeping.

Avoid - Everyday after work, I would rush back, locking myself in my room. I will not eat and I will not meet anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I was angry at my clients, my users, my management, & mainly myself. It is a shame for me for not being able to cope with all these obstacles. Sigh~ 

Pain - As I was in the state of unfit mentally, I hurt those people whom are closed to me; my family. I ignored them, I won't answer their calls, I rejected every invitation from them, & mostly would not want to meet them. I know I am not doing it right but I could not controlled myself. I do not want them to see me being in my weakest point! Sigh~ My brother was very upset & hurt, daddy was sad, mummy was worried, & they were all clueless of my conditions. I felt pain in my chest.

Better - But yesterday, I was getting better. After all those times being left in the dark tunnel, I saw lights~ Those lights that are trying to guide me back to my rightful path. Strength, I am gaining already. Now I am waiting for my bubbly self to come back to life. Where am I?

Hope - I dislike the way I am acting & feeling, therefore, I am promising myself to change. I regretted my actions which caused pain & hurt to my family, hence, I will never put them in that state again. Why worry, why hurry? No matter how bad a situation is, the world goes on isn't it? 

Up Side Down & Right Side Up Again~ 

N-geL

A Compelling Force

Pressure - A stranger would identify me as a happy person with no worries but people whom are dear to me would detect insanity in me. I may look bubbly at all times (and sometimes crazily sampat-ed) but deep down, I am suffering from an inordinate, dangerous, brain-sick stress; from work and working environment.

Insanity - The people here are crazy, nobody's sane. Some are plainly selfish & dang! they are very good in "tai chi-ing"! Even the tasks here are crazy! I am beginning to feel insanity as well. I am working each day with nothing but anger. Gosh~ I think I gonna have lotsa' grey hair soon~ 

Assessment - Everybody loves to give judgment based on surface without knowing what is inside. People often thinks that their perception and judgment were right and what they did not know is that each criticism they gave could insult one's dignity. Though it is wrong, people are still doing this.

Sincerity - There are zero honesty and sincerity here. Everyone are smiling from ear to ear but NEVER could trust them. Okay, I have to  admit that not everyone here are insincere, that for sure but majority are fake. We are all adults but acting like a kindergartener! Damn it!

Exhausted - I am getting very tired each day, already. Seriously, I am not going to quit this easily but I will definitely find a way to get myself out of here. Or maybe to improve my way of looking at this sore-eyed people.

Chill... Relax...
N-geL

Get the engine started

Engine - Well it is nothing mechanical, mostly brainy~ During my first two weeks at work, I nearly lost track of my brain's location. But after a month since I started my work, my brain goes hail-wire!!! Then and there I realized, the engine is getting started. Hmmm... The journey will be long, though. I wonder if the engine compartments could survive such journey...

Bearable - As the engine is moving, I hope the other parts of the whole machine is going to stay out together.My body, the machine, might not be able to bear any much longer if this condition continues. No, there isn't much pressure but it's the working environment that kills~ Of course the people are difficult, but I don't know~ Sigh~


Rides~
N-geL

Lost

New - It has been months since I last blog and there is a reason for this: job & employment~ After my finals in university, I had been searching high and low for suitable jobs & it takes around a month or more to get myself attached for interviews. I tried applying several companies that I had interest in but there were no responds from any of them. So finally I gave in, applied RWG, and got myself tangled in to the company now.

Adaption - For the first few days reporting to work, I had a very strong desire to tender my resignation letter as the working environment was somewhat terrible. They had a very bad management and system. I was devastated.

Work - The first week was hell for me and the following weeks are somewhat like a survival training. From then on, I kept on polishing my surviving skills, just so I would not feel suffocated. Work was okay, it is just the people that makes it worst~ Hmmm...

People - I had this "boss" where he enjoyed bullying newcomers. To make matter worst, he had this sidekick, a girl, whom is selfish. I do not understand their actions as to why being such an asshole when they can actually be nice. Sigh~ Anyway, this pathetic "boss" resigned (he tender his resignation months back) leaving behind his "beloved" sidekick which I loathed a lot. Overall, the other colleagues are allright.

Myself - However until today, I am having trouble getting through this. I am, seriously, having a hairy eyeball on my friend (who works in other sections) as her section is way better than mine. It is not easy for me to accept my life's changes but I know I had to... Lately I had been picking up bad values, worst practicing it; negativity. I started to obtain bad thinking, feelings, as well as perceptions. I do not want to let my bubbly side glide away as I will lose myself but... it is not easy for me to go all bubbly here~ 

Suffocation - I feel devastated and suffocated. I am not happy here. However I am challenging myself, giving myself another chance to prove that I am capable of doing anything without losing myself. I do not want to back down without trying. It makes no sense to go all down for tiny matters. 

Abracadabra - There, I need miracle~ 

Wrong Tuning~

N-geL

Nothing

Solitary - I am a solitary traveler in my own life journey, similar to a troglodyte. I often faced with boredom and tiresome. No, it's not like I have nobody, it's just that the feeling ain't right. I have a loving family with plenty of real-great-friends but still, I just don't feel right. I don't know why. When life is just too easy, it's driving me crazy.

Job - I am worried about my job hunting thingy as I am still jobless right now. Korean Airline & Genting's P&E Dept had selected me for the preliminary interview sessions and am now waiting for the final session. The interview sessions were "normal", nothing unusual about it. But during the interview sessions, I was extremely nervous!

Speechless - There are so much to talk about but I am unable to express it all out~ The aching feeling I am feeling right now is totally unspeakable... How I wish I could just turn off myself...

Sigh~ 

N-geL

Confrontations..... not that bad after all~

Difficulties - Ever since I had a new roommie, I am constantly in lousy moods... No, it is not because roommie is bad, it's just that I could not accept the "self-interest" attitude. It is difficult for me to deal with people who don't bother or care much about another person, especially close ones. Sigh~ I had been complaining day and night to friends and loved ones & thanked GOD, finally, I had the guts to confront this issues.

Confrontations - Lucky for me, everything goes smoothly. There is no argument or fighting occur. I feel better after all those negative feelings being washed out of me, it feels free... At least I did not back-stab or spell illness about roommie. Sigh~ I had been having a rough time and finally I have my silky road!!!

Breather - I had always hated this "ill" feelings about another person and I swear I could not sleep tight unless I confronted that issue. So here I am, feeling better, breathing the rightful pace, and I feel "lighter". I have been having a hard time suffocating on all those negative aura for the past few months and suddenly I feel stupid for not dealing with the issue sooner... Stupid me~

A difficult child?

N-geL

A Selfish Brainless Barnyard~

Self-Interested - I cannot believe I am living with a selfish freak!!! God knows how self-minded she is! She enjoys making assumption of others and never bothers to use her pea-sized brain to think… Oh God, please give me strength to face such kind of people. I could not describe how angry and furious I am right now because I had been repeatedly being exposed to her virus!!! How much longer can I bear? GOD!!! Alright, let me narrate the story just so everyone can understand~

Story – I went for my replacement class this morning (I do not have classes on Fridays) and my class ended at 11am. So this pathetic brainless barnyard asked if I wanted to have my brunch and before I could answer, she said she does not want to eat yet. Then I told her we will go get her blood test report first since it is still early (and I never claim of not wanting to eat). So I drove her to Damansara Utama to get her report whilst to pay her semester fees as well. I waited patiently in the car without grumbling or whatsoever. Finally, every chore is completed so we headed back home. I took my shower and wash my clothes (assuming I might be able to catch my late brunch later with her) and once done I headed downstairs to get my clothes hanged. WTF!!! I saw her sitting at the living room table unpacking her McDonald!!! So I asked her why she not asked me whether I wanted a set of that too and she bluntly replied “I thought you said you would not want to spend much money already so I did not ask. Plus you said you don’t want to eat.” What is the F&^*^&@ wrong with her brain? I DID NOT MENTION ANYTHING ON NOT WANTING TO EAT!!!

Silence – Sigh~ I am speechless on her bravo thinking skills, literally! We are roommates!!! Of course we have our lunches together or if she does not want to have lunch, she can just tell~ GOD! It is indeed obvious that we will have lunch together after we are settled isn’t it?

Heck – One of my friends told me that I should have know and get myself prepared for live-together disaster and yes, I take her advice for granted. I should have seen it coming! Damn! It is darn frustrating, ya know~ I can never be more thankful to God for having 2 wonderful roommies previously and I know they both had always cared about me. Seriously, I have never ever encountered a so much self-interested person in my life~ (exclude stranger, alright) C’mon we are roommates, we should look after one another and concern about each other isn’t it? Damn Damn Damn!!!


F-ish You!!!
N-geL

I am smart yet stupid

Bright – Since young I realized that I have the capabilities in learning fast and think fast. But do not get me wrong, academic wise I am not that intelligent! LOL! I am more of the practical or application person. I do not have like 1000GB or whatsoever and let me clarify that I owns like maybe 1GB memory space! I could not remember things clearly or being able to memorize anything easily, so yea~ anyway, among my peer group I consider myself bright. Sometimes I do get irritated at other’s imbecility; e.g. stuffing a key into a pad lock. Everyone knows that the flat part should face upright while the crooked face downwards BUT still some people just enjoy stuffing it the other way and ended not being able to stuff the key into the pad lock. WTH!!! Pudding head!!!

Dullard – In another angle, I am a half-wit! Seriously! I am very easily being taken for granted, being exploited, get hurt in various ways (emotionally and physically), and there might be more to list. I had many acquaintances merely because I shared my knowledge. They never speak to me in or out of class but they DO speak to me when finals are just around the corner. Whoa! How bogus are they! Even my group members are getting a piece of me! They and everyone knew I would not left things undone. So here I am being a moron…

Benevolent – Call me pathetic but honestly I could not be ignorant towards those dullards although I noticed myself being exploited by them. Sometimes it is not easy to turn blind eyes on as I feel bad, bad for not being helpful. As furious as I may be, I forgive them overtime. Gosh, c’mon, how long can I be angry? Frustration and anger haunts me but sometime after it would all gone.

WTF! - The only action I can do is remain silence and silence and still... silence.  The only time they realize I am upset is when I remain silenced for a very long time.


Zip your lips, please....
N-geL

Language Matters

WTF – So what if I am not able to speak or write proficient English language? I have to admit that it is shameful of me for not being able to deliver good English due to that fact that I am a Convent student back in primary and secondary school. What I could not understand is all these Chinese educated and immature kiddos often enjoy gossiping about me (my language, attitude, expressions, clothing, stuffs, etc)! It is really sickening!

Mind – Every human mind are uncanny and complex even to the possessor! So I can see why those ineptitudes are behaving that way~ most probably they are just insecure about themselves that they just needed someone to be put down on. It is just amazing how these perplex minds function in their tiny little head!

Fuck? Fudge? or Fish?

N-geL

Nobody expect you to be omniscient!

Friend – According to certain quotes, a person could only consider as a friend when everyone walks out during your hardship and the very person stays to walk you through the pain. It is never easy to have friends because I realized many are either in love with themselves way too much or there is just a need of “connection”. People who favor “connection” are mostly those who live or enjoy the same kind of lifestyle or attitudes. Try noticing those around you. You will be surprise to see only the clowns live with laughter, the miserable stuck in pain, the knowledgeable favors formality, and so on. Of course there is some exemption in certain circle of friends where there is a mixture of clown, miserable, knowledgeable, or etcetera. And so to say, I am involved in this circle. Weird and unique, that is what I named my group.

Weird & Unique – After 2 years of dispute among ourselves, finally we reached to an end. No, not our journey ended but argufies. Of course I am happy but there is only one problem left, the miserable is still there and there is nothing my group and I can do to retrieve the miserable from pain. And to make matter worst, the miserable is rubbing the pain on all of us! Omitting the miserable, my group and I are having a great bonding session!!! Let’s see, my group consists of a hyper that could break a bone with merely her voice, a vulgar freak that turns every vulgarity into bible, an obnubilate that cloud every single thing she touches, and of course the normal kiddo, ME! Ngek Ngek Ngek

Creep – Why would a person enjoy being a spook when they had many other choices? I am sorry to admit that there would not be any second chance (after all the numerous chances given previously for the very same fault) as I could no longer being the good Samaritan. I could not be saintlier than any normal homo sapiens, seriously! I can no longer bear being ambush repeatedly without shielding myself. Nope, not the hurt but it is the narking sensation that bothers me a lot. It boils my anger right to my bone!
Unsolved - I am discombobulated by this pathetic creep! Seriously I am sick to core of such willy-nilly troubles and God; I wished it would all go away. I felt bad for putting on a cold shoulder at that creep; then again it serves that creep right! Ouch! I know… I upstage that creep already and now that pathetic creep is turning into a brainsick mannequin statue! Gosh! What should I do? Uh-oh the truth is out there~~

Frontal – Sooner or later I have to bare a piece of my mind to that creep, right? Name me chicken, call me coward but I honestly could not faced that creep at the moment. Hell, I got pissed at every apparent motion that creep made. I need time to be able to recover from such crap and I need an advice for this~

Lusus naturae?
N-geL

Random News

DiCam – Okay I know “DiCam” is not an English word and can never be found in any existing (printed or electronic) dictionary but hey, it existed in MY dictionary. In fact this is my BayB’s name! Ngek ngek ngek~ Okay, my brother a.k.a banker/ATM bought the latest SONY TX1/N DiCam for me! He sets a RM200 budget (because he knew I would burn his wallet) but ended up buying the most expensive choice… Yikes! I know, yes I know, my brother loves me~

Avatar – OMG!!! Watched Avatar 3D yesterday and it is just unexplainably great! The movie swoop my mind & soul then led me into a fanciful imaginary world. I could not hold back my tears on the touching and unspeakable love towards mother earth as well as living beings scenes. Well, I am not embarrassed to admit that I cried and sobbed like a child throughout the movie watching. Awww~ wouldn’t it be great to have a beautiful “jungle” like that (omit the Thanator and The Hammerhead Titanothere) LOL!

Fagged – Today is the 4^th day of my new semester class. I am still vague in mind and I can never get enough sleep! God knows how fatigue I felt and yes, I still had no rest at all. During lecture classes, I swear that my brain jammed, cramped, and never recovered since. LOL Okay I am exaggerating but seriously I could not concentrate at all. The feeling is almost as if the lecturers are speaking some kind of weird languages. Gosh, I really needed help here~

FYP – Final. Year. Project. Seriously I hate this. Currently I am in Chapter 3 of my project and I am having a hard time struggling with words, journals, and my eyes!!! Both my eyes just wouldn’t focus on my lappie screen. I have another two chapters to go and hopefully I am able to finished really soon. Arghhhhhhhhh!!!

What the .......?

 N-geL

Icky...

Bound - During my stay in Cameron Highlands with my bestie a.k.a roomie for semester vacation last month, the both of us are forced to stay in door on the first day of arrival due to bad weather (raining heavily the whole afternoon!!! WTH!!!). So we stuck around in our hotel room and watch some movies shown on Astro (there are only 3 Astro channels available).

Flicks - The first 2 movies are actually okay not say that we are fussy or anything. I only had a vague memories on the first movie while the second movie is Narnia 2. I don't mind having to watch Narnia as I never watch the movie before but when the both of us are ready for the third movie (with the scary eerie introduction), we are excited. BUT to our disappointment, the movie sucks!!! Urghhh!!!

Lousy - The production, the storyline, the acting, and everything were just plain lousy! WTH!!! Seriously!! Duh~ Of course there are "several" hilarious crappy scene which I think it is silly and illogical. My roomie and me did not know whether to laugh or grumble, it seemed like a joke... Of course that movie made our day and we laugh 'til we sleep, making fun of that movie.

Below is the movie poster (in case anyone curious) Yikes!!!




Demetria? Kleitos? Duh~~
N-geL