Something to Yap About...

A brand new year means a new journey to step unto... What happened in the past are not meant to bring forward, lets bid goodbye... It is easy to talk but never easy to walk the talk... Sigh...

It has been a long time since I last confide. I never really have the time to do so, do I? I have to admit I changed a lot. I felt older, very much older. Maybe it is because I buried myself too much into my work and nothing on life. Gosh, I need a break!

Anyhow, there are many joy and happening events to yap about! i.e. marriage, new born, love, you name it!!! Okay, one thing at a time! 

My brother got married last summer, my birthday eve, & now I have nephew Nathan! Okay, I hate this little guy as he made my life miserable! He enjoys torturing me with his non-stop cry, his fussiness, screams, & worst - his smelly pampers! Lol! But I do miss him though when I am off to work. 

Then recently, my cousin sister got married! Good new huh! And baby Jack (my another cousin's son) is going to have his 1 year old birthday soon! Not only that, there are more birthday celebrations coming! Not to forget the Chinese celebration, New Year means plenty of red packets... Muahahahahahahaha...

However with so many happiness and celebrations, I am leading a boring life. Other than work and family, I have nothing else! Gosh! Something has to be done! Currently there is no motivation and enthusiasm in me... What should I do, huh? 

Oh wait! I remember having this adrenaline rush when I spoke to a guy from website dept. His voice was superb! He got this macho, soft yet very firm voice that cause my heart skip a beat. I was unable to speak properly! Hmmm... He made my day...

I know this sounds crazy but it is okay... I enjoyed this pathetic moment LOL! 

Yap...yap...yap...

N-geL

Absolved From Depression

Unconscious - It has been a week since I last smiled. I had all these weird emotional encounters during work day as well as during my rest time at night. I prescribed myself as tired & overloaded with work but never did I realized that I am falling into depression. 

Depression - I do not know when this attack came but I know I am not feeling feeling well mentally and physically. During work day, I would lose control of my anger, emotions & at night I would cry myself to sleep. Throughout the entire week, my breathing was not synchronized. I had all these difficulties in concentrating, breathing, eating, and even sleeping.

Avoid - Everyday after work, I would rush back, locking myself in my room. I will not eat and I will not meet anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I was angry at my clients, my users, my management, & mainly myself. It is a shame for me for not being able to cope with all these obstacles. Sigh~ 

Pain - As I was in the state of unfit mentally, I hurt those people whom are closed to me; my family. I ignored them, I won't answer their calls, I rejected every invitation from them, & mostly would not want to meet them. I know I am not doing it right but I could not controlled myself. I do not want them to see me being in my weakest point! Sigh~ My brother was very upset & hurt, daddy was sad, mummy was worried, & they were all clueless of my conditions. I felt pain in my chest.

Better - But yesterday, I was getting better. After all those times being left in the dark tunnel, I saw lights~ Those lights that are trying to guide me back to my rightful path. Strength, I am gaining already. Now I am waiting for my bubbly self to come back to life. Where am I?

Hope - I dislike the way I am acting & feeling, therefore, I am promising myself to change. I regretted my actions which caused pain & hurt to my family, hence, I will never put them in that state again. Why worry, why hurry? No matter how bad a situation is, the world goes on isn't it? 

Up Side Down & Right Side Up Again~ 

N-geL

A Compelling Force

Pressure - A stranger would identify me as a happy person with no worries but people whom are dear to me would detect insanity in me. I may look bubbly at all times (and sometimes crazily sampat-ed) but deep down, I am suffering from an inordinate, dangerous, brain-sick stress; from work and working environment.

Insanity - The people here are crazy, nobody's sane. Some are plainly selfish & dang! they are very good in "tai chi-ing"! Even the tasks here are crazy! I am beginning to feel insanity as well. I am working each day with nothing but anger. Gosh~ I think I gonna have lotsa' grey hair soon~ 

Assessment - Everybody loves to give judgment based on surface without knowing what is inside. People often thinks that their perception and judgment were right and what they did not know is that each criticism they gave could insult one's dignity. Though it is wrong, people are still doing this.

Sincerity - There are zero honesty and sincerity here. Everyone are smiling from ear to ear but NEVER could trust them. Okay, I have to  admit that not everyone here are insincere, that for sure but majority are fake. We are all adults but acting like a kindergartener! Damn it!

Exhausted - I am getting very tired each day, already. Seriously, I am not going to quit this easily but I will definitely find a way to get myself out of here. Or maybe to improve my way of looking at this sore-eyed people.

Chill... Relax...
N-geL

Get the engine started

Engine - Well it is nothing mechanical, mostly brainy~ During my first two weeks at work, I nearly lost track of my brain's location. But after a month since I started my work, my brain goes hail-wire!!! Then and there I realized, the engine is getting started. Hmmm... The journey will be long, though. I wonder if the engine compartments could survive such journey...

Bearable - As the engine is moving, I hope the other parts of the whole machine is going to stay out together.My body, the machine, might not be able to bear any much longer if this condition continues. No, there isn't much pressure but it's the working environment that kills~ Of course the people are difficult, but I don't know~ Sigh~


Rides~
N-geL

Lost

New - It has been months since I last blog and there is a reason for this: job & employment~ After my finals in university, I had been searching high and low for suitable jobs & it takes around a month or more to get myself attached for interviews. I tried applying several companies that I had interest in but there were no responds from any of them. So finally I gave in, applied RWG, and got myself tangled in to the company now.

Adaption - For the first few days reporting to work, I had a very strong desire to tender my resignation letter as the working environment was somewhat terrible. They had a very bad management and system. I was devastated.

Work - The first week was hell for me and the following weeks are somewhat like a survival training. From then on, I kept on polishing my surviving skills, just so I would not feel suffocated. Work was okay, it is just the people that makes it worst~ Hmmm...

People - I had this "boss" where he enjoyed bullying newcomers. To make matter worst, he had this sidekick, a girl, whom is selfish. I do not understand their actions as to why being such an asshole when they can actually be nice. Sigh~ Anyway, this pathetic "boss" resigned (he tender his resignation months back) leaving behind his "beloved" sidekick which I loathed a lot. Overall, the other colleagues are allright.

Myself - However until today, I am having trouble getting through this. I am, seriously, having a hairy eyeball on my friend (who works in other sections) as her section is way better than mine. It is not easy for me to accept my life's changes but I know I had to... Lately I had been picking up bad values, worst practicing it; negativity. I started to obtain bad thinking, feelings, as well as perceptions. I do not want to let my bubbly side glide away as I will lose myself but... it is not easy for me to go all bubbly here~ 

Suffocation - I feel devastated and suffocated. I am not happy here. However I am challenging myself, giving myself another chance to prove that I am capable of doing anything without losing myself. I do not want to back down without trying. It makes no sense to go all down for tiny matters. 

Abracadabra - There, I need miracle~ 

Wrong Tuning~

N-geL

Nothing

Solitary - I am a solitary traveler in my own life journey, similar to a troglodyte. I often faced with boredom and tiresome. No, it's not like I have nobody, it's just that the feeling ain't right. I have a loving family with plenty of real-great-friends but still, I just don't feel right. I don't know why. When life is just too easy, it's driving me crazy.

Job - I am worried about my job hunting thingy as I am still jobless right now. Korean Airline & Genting's P&E Dept had selected me for the preliminary interview sessions and am now waiting for the final session. The interview sessions were "normal", nothing unusual about it. But during the interview sessions, I was extremely nervous!

Speechless - There are so much to talk about but I am unable to express it all out~ The aching feeling I am feeling right now is totally unspeakable... How I wish I could just turn off myself...

Sigh~ 

N-geL

Confrontations..... not that bad after all~

Difficulties - Ever since I had a new roommie, I am constantly in lousy moods... No, it is not because roommie is bad, it's just that I could not accept the "self-interest" attitude. It is difficult for me to deal with people who don't bother or care much about another person, especially close ones. Sigh~ I had been complaining day and night to friends and loved ones & thanked GOD, finally, I had the guts to confront this issues.

Confrontations - Lucky for me, everything goes smoothly. There is no argument or fighting occur. I feel better after all those negative feelings being washed out of me, it feels free... At least I did not back-stab or spell illness about roommie. Sigh~ I had been having a rough time and finally I have my silky road!!!

Breather - I had always hated this "ill" feelings about another person and I swear I could not sleep tight unless I confronted that issue. So here I am, feeling better, breathing the rightful pace, and I feel "lighter". I have been having a hard time suffocating on all those negative aura for the past few months and suddenly I feel stupid for not dealing with the issue sooner... Stupid me~

A difficult child?

N-geL

I am smart yet stupid

Bright – Since young I realized that I have the capabilities in learning fast and think fast. But do not get me wrong, academic wise I am not that intelligent! LOL! I am more of the practical or application person. I do not have like 1000GB or whatsoever and let me clarify that I owns like maybe 1GB memory space! I could not remember things clearly or being able to memorize anything easily, so yea~ anyway, among my peer group I consider myself bright. Sometimes I do get irritated at other’s imbecility; e.g. stuffing a key into a pad lock. Everyone knows that the flat part should face upright while the crooked face downwards BUT still some people just enjoy stuffing it the other way and ended not being able to stuff the key into the pad lock. WTH!!! Pudding head!!!

Dullard – In another angle, I am a half-wit! Seriously! I am very easily being taken for granted, being exploited, get hurt in various ways (emotionally and physically), and there might be more to list. I had many acquaintances merely because I shared my knowledge. They never speak to me in or out of class but they DO speak to me when finals are just around the corner. Whoa! How bogus are they! Even my group members are getting a piece of me! They and everyone knew I would not left things undone. So here I am being a moron…

Benevolent – Call me pathetic but honestly I could not be ignorant towards those dullards although I noticed myself being exploited by them. Sometimes it is not easy to turn blind eyes on as I feel bad, bad for not being helpful. As furious as I may be, I forgive them overtime. Gosh, c’mon, how long can I be angry? Frustration and anger haunts me but sometime after it would all gone.

WTF! - The only action I can do is remain silence and silence and still... silence.  The only time they realize I am upset is when I remain silenced for a very long time.


Zip your lips, please....
N-geL

Unexampled New Year of 2010

Welcome – As the earth continuously moves, the revolution of the earth about the sun takes one year. A year may sound really short but believe me, it is a really long journey. I have had good deal of memories in 2009 and I know there would be even more in 2010. Of course I missed those eventful days but with an open heart, I welcomed more of what Year 2010 can give…


Change – Even before 2010, I noticed myself changed mentally and physically (No, not my boobs. It is still the same size!!! WTH!!!). I prefer things, food, stuffs, music, clothing, & even types of guys which I antecedently disliked! Scary, though. It is weird, really but change is good… At least I feel good. Often enough I heard people phrase something like when a person gets “O”-der, their lifestyles changes as well. It is true, indeed! Oh yea, it would be better if I am able to change my babies (car, laptop, cell phone, & external) Muahahhahahahaha~


Discombobulated – All the sudden change had mentally confused me. Even the New Year confused me! Sigh~ The reason for all these confusion is mainly because I am getting “O”-der and my responsibilities, my life, my future-to-come, and more to list on are becoming heavier each day. If I am to compare my other friends and myself, honestly, I am almost being nonexistence!!! God~ I am SCARED! On the other hand I felt golden as I have another half year to relish before all those weight down unto me. Hmmm… Did I mention “I am scared”?


Resolutions – Hah Ha!! I never really have New Year resolutions and I knew if I ever had one I will never be able to practice it. BUT I have a seriously long list of what I WANT! Yikes!!! Muahahahahhaha


Delirious – I am clearly delirious AND I don’t care (WTH!!!). Somehow I pity those around me… Ngek Ngek Ngek…


Wat The Heck!!!
N-geL

New?

Tick Tock Tick Tock

It is Year 2010!!! OMG!!! Darn I am moving from “Season 23” into “Season 24” soon! Hush! Nobody is looking… Phew~ (Can I just stay in “Season 3” without any escalation of numbers??? Shut Up, I know, we are not living in a frozen-time-zone...)

Dang I felt threatened by the “O” word and I swear I will not use THAT word this year! Ngek Ngek Ngek

Alright since it is a brand new year with new resolutions, new ideas, new concepts, new life, new on everything, I am going to have a NEW way of expressing myself here. It is odd to see all the sudden changes but bear with me as I believe I need “NEW” atmosphere in my life too.Yikes!!!


Uh... Uh...
N-geL

Mission Impossible?

Wo-Hoo!!! I did something out of my expectation today! I challenged myself to overcome my fear and YES! I did it! Well, actually I went on to catch a movie today, ALONE! It is a challenging situation for me as I normally don’t do outings alone. I know, I know… See, that is why I am urging myself to do things that I normally won’t do.



I went Tropicana Mall to catch Twilight: New Moon movie all by myself and I am excited! I hardly believe the fact that I did it. There are a few more things that I did which I did not expect I would, and I am amazed. Seriously, I believe I needed some changes and therefore I challenged myself.

I guess I realized that I need to live as if I am dying soon; world end? Anyhow, I am extremely proud with myself as I carries the brand new me in ME. I make new friends almost every day, smile to almost everyone I meet, and respecting & appreciating what I have right now.

I strongly believe that this bold attitude of mine comes from the influences of my campaign, my experiences with my friends, and of course speeches which I had attended. I am truly thankful for all those awakening “slaps”! LOL!

Okay now comments on Twilight: New Moon... I have to say it is quite funny actually AND I totally totally think that the written version is indeed better! Other than having glimpse of Jacob's sexy body, I don't find anything else interesting (except that Alice is prettier!)

The whole movie is quite pathetic but somehow I LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE them!!! LOL! I just love vampire movies, so yea...


To Do? OR Not To Do?
N-geL

Life hurts...

For the past 23 years of my life, I have never seen mummy in her sick bed, looking extremely weak. It is pain to the eyes and heart to see her in that condition. Mummy was diagnosed with a cyst growth in her right ovary, so the gynecologist advice mummy to go for an operation. Well, she did and not she is well again but weak. I remember seeing her in the hospital bed lying unconsciously with tubes and needles. It is very painful. I cried. Hmmm…

Suddenly life seemed a little scary to me. I hate the fact that one day our loved ones will leave and rest peacefully in heaven. I hate the fact that love hurts even when it is sweet and blissful. I hate the fact that one had to go through mountains and rains in order to taste success and happiness. I hate almost everything but loved at the same time. I know I sounded insane but yes, this is what I am feeling.

I regret of doing things that hurt their hearts and regret doing it. I regret having to feel regretted. I am sick of having a slight pinch in my chest when I regretted on something. I have plenty of regrets. But if I were to have a turn-back-time, I will not change a single action. It is what I did in the past that leads me to where I am and how I am now. Without past and history, one is nothing but a plain sheet of paper without life.


Sigh~ I hate it when I hate it.
N-geL

Sicky Week

Exams over…

Results coming…

I’m worried hell and I’m scared…

But…what bother me most is..F-Y-P!!!
Hmmm…

And makes matter worse is I’m stuck at home…
Haih~~

What can/should I do???

Sicky Week...

Exams over…

Results coming…

I’m worried hell and I’m scared…

But…what bother me most is..F-Y-P!!!
Hmmm…

And makes matter worse is I’m stuck at home…
Haih~~

What can/should I do???

Some people just love being miserable

People often encourage each other to be happy all the time. BUT have you ever noticed some people just love being miserable to keep them happy? No? Well, you are a real lucky being! I met and I have to interact with that sort of people 24/7! Well okay not 24/7 but almost for years! The next question from me will be “WHY enjoy being miserable just to keep you happy?”

I did everything I could to help BUT it’s a vain attempt! Sigh~ Perceptions, thoughts, assumptions, the way of viewing or seeing things are all nothing but a person’s personality. The way a person behaves, thinks, assume, or maybe sensing certain situation, things, or even a person are all base on their background. Everything a person does reflects on their background, what sort of person are they, what are their lifestyle, and much more. Sometimes prediction is applicable to them, too!

Nyway my main point is why this sort of people enjoy being miserable??? Miserable be it but why shower me with those suffering as well? Illogical isn’t it?

Nother painful experience I had encounter is having an ape around! I just don’t get it! Don’t all of us have our own mask to put on and characters to play? Okay maybe roles and characters are forgivable to impersonate BUT what about hobbies or the likes & dislikes or colours or choices of food or movies? WTF!!! Thank you very much but I enjoy having myself as the sole species! Gosh~

Seriously I hated many things in life especially a person’s attitude or character. I hate a person who loves being miserable, who loves to assume, who thinks negative, evil, or ill mannered, or those who enjoy taking people for granted. There more to list but never mind. No matter how concerned I am, things will still be the same…



Miserably…happy!
N-geL

Frensapiens...

I never truly understand why friends are sometimes sickening sapiens in life, really! I have to clarify that I DO love all my REAL friends (but I never know if they are the same) and most time I prioritize them after family (I’m the third in line, yikes!). I had been through rough and ugly moments with some of my acquaintances, friends, close friends, best friends, and ex-best friends and yes, it’s painful to the core! Gossips, boycotting, bad mouthing, pretender, slanted, and sometimes worse BACK STABBER!!! You name it, I’ve been through it! Sigh~

Nyway I am curios why do some friends are not friends? Or why are they being “selfish” at times? Or how come they are able to categorize or classify certain friends when that particular friend threats her/him like a family? W-H-Y?

Lately I have been feeling fag and worn out due to exam season & boredom sickness, so I am pretty much in sullen mode. Of course I am still all smiley and cherry to people I keep close to heart. What really disturbs me is…I am just CURIOUS…why friend’s friends couldn’t be my friend? Or why your friend could not hang out with me too? Why, of course I am not going to stash your friend away!!! I don’t know if this is the reason why some friend feels threatened. I don’t know…

I asked one of my bestie months back whether I am able to join her bunch for stress release vacation AND she hesitated. I understand she is concern about her crowd whether liking me (as an outsider) to fall in together, I really do understand. BUT what saddened me is she didn’t try to ask. If in turn I were her, I SWEAR I will persuade my crowd to let her in!

Okay maybe vacation is too much. Well, what about dinner union (just to sound cooler, eh)? She knew am having dinner alone, would it hurt or risky to ask me to join her & them for dinner? Wait, her friends knew me TOO!! I would NEVER do that to her or to any of my close best friends.

Another head-scratchy incident is when some friends would feel uncertain to spill out normal-everyday-conversation-topic/subject to me!!! LOL!! Sometimes my itchy mouth got itchy, I would ask “Who did you went out with the day before?” and the award winning answer would be “friend”! Oh gosh, am I being abusive towards your privacy now? I somehow believe it’s alright for friend to ask and concerned. (In sense of being KEPO lar!)

I read another friend’s friend e-diary blogging on why certain friends expressed ugly faces when most of them are having happy moments together. She is hitting the nail accurately in what I am trying to ask too! Hmmm…

I sometimes do feel invisible in my own world. I envy most of them for having wonderful external friends and I am indeed very happy for them. I stand and stare silently at the corner of their world and I BELIEVE none of them knew I existed standing there. It’s painful sometimes to see them so happy and being rubbed off from their wonderful world.

I guess I am losing my grip of importance in their life and wonder if it’s fixable? I don’t expect them to treat me like princess but somehow I wish I am and never will be forgotten like dust or rusty old machine.

Forget, forget me not!
N-geL

Dramaturgy

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players...

-Shakespeare-

Life's a stage, each of us have roles to play...
We are all behaving like an actor/actress,
Presenting ourselves to the world according to what the world expect of us...
Sometimes we let ourselves down, not knowing what else to do..... or expect...
Don't some of you agree that lives are somewhat difficult?
But come to think again, life is actually easy... if we allow them to...

Let me rest now.
I'm tired of being "Pseudowood" (there's Bollywood isn't it?)

One Two ACTION!
N-geL